Just for a smile!

A handsome edition of the Good Book published by Barker and Lucas in 1632 unfortunately omitted the little word not from the Seventh Commandment, making it read, "Thou shalt commit adultery." The careless printers of this edition, which became famous as the Adulterous Bible, were fined 300 pounds, effectively putting them out of business.

In 1716, thousands of copies of another Bible were printed before it was discovered that the command to John, "sin no more," had been printed as "sin on more," a letter reversal with considerable appeal to chronic transgressors. A year later, in an Oxford edition of the Bible, a chapter heading for Luke appeared as "The Parable of the Vinegar."

A mix-up in gender in a 1923 version produced the stern admonition "A man may not marry his grandmother's wife," which the New Yorker called Neatest Trick of the Week.

The tradition of holy howlers popping up in religiously related documents continues undimmed. Witness the following sampling of bona fide bloopers culled from various church bulletins and orders of service:

• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement Friday afternoon.
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• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.
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• On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper.
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• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north end of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
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• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
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• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
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• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
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• The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
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• Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in the study.
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• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
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• Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
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• Tuesday at 5 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
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• Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
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• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
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• The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
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• On a church postcard:
• [ ] I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour.
  [ ] I would like a personal call.
• 
  
• Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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• A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
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• 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
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• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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• The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
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• Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
• Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
  Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding."
   
• Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
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• Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
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• Today's sermon:
• HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK?
  with hymns from a full choir.
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• On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
• GOD IS GOOD
  Rev. Smith is better.

• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
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• When they arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
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• In the Gospel of Luke they named him Enamel.
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• I love the Christmas story, especially the part about the three wise guys from the East Side.
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• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
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• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
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• Esau was a man who wrote fables and sold his copyright for a mess of potash.
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• Samson pulled down the pillows of the temple.
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• On Mount Sinai the Lord gave Moses the Ten Amendments.
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• The Israelites made a golden calf because they didn't have enough gold to make a cow.
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• The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother.
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• The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
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• Joshua led the Hebrews in their victory in the battle of Geritol.
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• Solomon had 200 wives and 700 cucumbers.
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• A Christian can only have one wife. This is called monotony.
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• If a man has more than one wife, this is called pigamy.
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• Holy acrimony is another name for marriage.
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• A Protestant is a woman who gets her living through an immoral life.
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• The epistels were the wives of the apostels.
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• The people that followed the Lord were called the twelve opossums.
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• Jesus ate the last supper with the twelve decibels.
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• The natives of Macedonia did not believe Paul, so he got stoned.
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• The Pope lives in the vacuum.
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• The patron saint of travelers is St. Francis of Seasick.
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• Salome was a very wicked woman who wore very few clothes and took them off when she danced before Harrods.

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  More Bloopers

  During the holiday season a large poster displayed outside London's St.Paul's Church proclaimed, "Christ is coming!"
  Righ below another sign read, "Please do not obstruct these gates."

  On the gates of the Winnipeg Anglican cathedral appear two notices:
   "The Anglican Church Welcomes You" and
   "The premises are Protected by Guard Dogs."

  On a billboard in front of a church:
   Morning Sermon: Jesus Walks on the Water
   Evening Sermon: Where is Jesus?

  In bulletins: 
  

  • The Church is offering a series entitled "The Church Explores the Issues." Tomorrow's lecture will be "Recycling - Our Garbage Is a Resource."
  • 
    There will be a potluck supper at 6 p.m.
     
  • The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
  •  
  • Tonight's sermon: "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  •  
  • The Ladies Aid Society of the United Church will hold its annual potluck dinner Saturday in the Church Hall. Dinner will be gin at 5:30 p.m.
  •  
  • The wardens have decided to purchase a new coping machine for the church.
  •  
  In the newspaper:
  •  
  • In the travel section of a Minneapolis newspaper:
  • 
    "Mexico celebrates Christmas with 'pastorellas,' pageants showing how the wise men and shepherds overcame obstacles and resisted temptations to visit Jesus at the manger."
     
  • A Connecticut newspaper reported that 'more than 500 persons attended Friday night the final services of a two-week parish spiritual renewal at xx.church.' Unfortunately, the headline to the article read,
  • 
    SPIRITUAL RENEWAL ENDS AT CHURCH
     
  • Reverend H. was congratulated on being able to get his parish plastered.
  •  
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  Out of the mouth of babes...

  Young children invent ingenious ways of making the sounds of words conform to fantasy images, no matter what the words actually mean. They will interpret the boundaries that separate words in fresh, unconventional, and bizarre ways...

  Small children also know God's first name. It is Art, or maybe Harold, because the prayer tells them so:

  "Our father, Art, in Heaven, Harold be thy name."

  At each recitation they beseech Art or Harold to keep them away from wicked New York City, because they ask him to "lead us not into Penn Station."

  Some even ask Art or Harold to "lead a snot into temptation."

  At the recitation of the Twenty-third Psalm, they meet a companion of Art and Harold. Her name is Shirley Murphey, and she appears near the end of the psalm:

  "Shirley, good Mrs. Murphy, shall follow me all the days of my life."

  With piping voice they sing a hymn called
  "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear."

  Visions of a bear with a big smile (after all, his name is Gladly) and crossed eyes dancing in their heads. Only when they get older and learn to read will they realize that the real words are:
  "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."

   At Christmas they sing lustily,

  "Good King Wences' car backed out on a piece of Stephen,"

  "Chipmunks roasting on an open fire,"

  "Where shepherds washed their socks by night," and

  "Get dressed, ye married gentlemen, get huffing you this May."

  And in the Battle Hymn of the Republic "Miniza" takes on interesting tasks...

  "Miniza seen the glory of the coming of the Lord;
  He has trampled out the vintage where the great giraffes are stored." or

  "He has trampled out the vintage with a great ceramic sword."
   

  God bless them all...

  Seen in "More Anguished English" by Richard Lederer

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